The O'Neill Reconfiguration
by SuperBear
Summary: Colonel Jack O'Neill is dancing to music from "2001" with Raj, Howard, Sheldon and Leonard. Until the Terminators and Replicators invade the holodeck. Added bonus: Teal'c sings "Soft Kitty" to Sheldon.


"Hello, boys," someone said in a slightly sinister voice.

In response, the guys groaned.

To members of the time travel team SG-1, the guys were known as the "Big Bang" guys. That's because on a world called Earth Prime, where writers tuned in to the lives of supposedly fictional characters who actually lived on other worlds, the guys were on a TV show called "The Big Bang Theory."

And for the "Big Bang" guys, stuff like this happened when they used the holodeck.

Clutching her virtual belt with both virtual hands, Sheriff Nancy Adams strolled across the virtual Talon to address the tallest of the four guys.

"Mister Cooper."

"Doctor Cooper," he corrected.

"Sheldon," she harrumphed. "If I catch you doing another one of your bizarre science experiments in the Talon again-"

"Oh. Like when we made water and starch dance on a speaker," Raj Koothrappali said with a smile. "Just like it was a solid object."

Adams shot Raj a quick harsh look then focused her glare back on Sheldon.

And she pointed her finger at him.

"If I catch you doing anything like that again, you or any of your buddies, I will hunt you down like a henhouse fox."

Sheldon assumed his usual look of slight condescension. The same look he wore when Raj and Howard first set him up on a blind date with Amy Farrah Fowler.

"Thank you, Sheriff Adams, for another one of your colorful little country colloquialisms. They're almost as bad as Penny's hillbilly wisdom from Nebraska."

Tilting her head, the hologram of Penny smiled indulgently. "Always great hearing from you, Sheldon."

Adams glared up at Sheldon. "No more science experiments in the Talon. Are we clear on that...**Doctor** Cooper?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Sheldon, she's a hologram."

"What was that, Hofstadter?"

"Nothing. Ma'am." Leonard Hofstadter slouched in his chair. He perked up slightly when a hologram of Lana Lang poured him some more coffee.

Once Adams had exited the room, glaring all the way, someone else entered.

Colonel Jonathan "Jack" O'Neill.

"Hey, guys, what's up?" he said. "Sheldon old buddy. How are you?"

And this was the real Colonel O'Neill. Not a hologram.

"What's up with him all of a sudden?" Howard Wolowitz muttered.

The guys didn't know it but something was very wrong with Colonel O'Neill.

"Ah. Two-thousand-one," Colonel Jack O'Neill sighed as he bent his legs and lifted his arms in an odd ballet-like movement.

"Yeah, that was a good year." The hologram of Clark Kent imitated the colonel's movements.

Next to "Clark," Raj Koothrappali whispered to Howard Wolowitz.

"What is that they're doing, a pile'?"

"How would I know?" Howard shot back in a sharp quick whisper. "You're the girl in the group."

Ignoring his friend's sarcasm, Raj recalled that when he and his friends fought over a prop from the "Lord of the Rings" films, they all hung on to the ring as they did a pile' . They had to bend down and get back up because Leonard had dropped his keys.

Good times, Raj thought with a smile.

"Hey, come on, Howard," "Clark" said. "Stop making fun of Raj."

"Thank you, Clark."

"It's a hologram," Howard muttered.

"Still, Clark has always been a friend to the underdog." Smiling, Raj gave a quick sharp nod of his chin. "Hologram or not."

Raj looked around. The room was filled with holograms: Clark, Lana Lang, Penny, Chloe Sullivan, Lex Luthor, Tess Mercer.

"What's with all the people from Smallville?" Leonard Hofstadter asked.

"The holodeck programs are kind of limited right now," Howard said. "Thanks to You-Know-Who messing with the system."

Raj and Howard watched as Colonel O'Neill continued up and down with his ballet movements. Briefly, Leonard and his roommate Sheldon Cooper took a break from their own movements to stare at the scene. While Leonard looked more concerned than confused, Sheldon wore his usual blank look.

"Come on, Sheldon, let's move," said the hologram of Sheldon's actress/waitress neighbor Penny.

"Yeah, Sheldon, let's move," Lana Lang said as she squatted in her purple leotard.

"Move in a way that's natural for you," Penny urged.

"This is natural for me," Sheldon said as he stood perfectly still. He had done this once before when Penny (the real one, not the hologram) gave him acting lessons.

"Ah, come on, Sheldon," Penny said as she moved her hands forward like some spastic stork.

Sheldon continued his blank look. "What I'm doing is more natural than that."

The "Big Bang" guys and their new friend Colonel O'Neill stood in the apartment of Sheldon and Leonard. A holodeck representation of the apartment, actually.

While they could use the holodeck to visit many exotic locales (when the system was not on the fritz), there were times they just preferred to return home. To the familiar apartment at 2311 North Los Robles in Pasadena.

At times, the familiar apartment was occupied by holograms of people from Smallville. And beyond. .

All those in the room, real and virtual, were gathered around a robot with a rough resemblance to Wall-E. Holograms of Lex Luthor and Chloe Sullivan worked on the robot. Its name was MONTE. (Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator.) Tess Mercer stood over Lex and Chloe, arms crossed over her purple fitness top. Tess' attire was Howard's idea.

In the background, music played. The theme from the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey." The music seemed to fill the fake apartment, swell and rise up to the ceiling.

Any moment now a hologram of Cat Grant or Booster Gold might open the door and demand the guys hold the noise down. Or some other hologram neighbor would. Captain Kirk. Spock. Captain Janeway. Maybe even Superman himself.

The music from "2001" accompanied the occasional staring.

"Okay, Sheldon, here's something more natural for you," Penny said. "Yoga stretching movements."

"That I'll do," Sheldon said. "Not as weird."

"You would know about weird."

"What was that, Lana?"

"Nothing. Here we go," Lana said.

As Sheldon began the movements, he grinned as he began one of his usual discourses.

"Colonel O-Neill, did you know this music from 'Two-Thousand-One: A Space Odyssey' is actually called-" Sheldon was drowned out as the music reached a loud crescendo. The result of MONTE turning up the volume with his mechanical arm.

"You don't say, Sheldon," O'Neill said. "And up...and down...I find that fascinating."

Leonard turned to Penny and Lana. "Colonel O-Neill isn't lying. He does find that fascinating."

Penny turned to Lana. "Anyway, for a while there I was dating Bizarro."

"Oh. How was that?" Lana asked. The two were now doing windmill exercises.

"Better than dating Doomsday, I bet," Chloe said as she made a face.

"It was just like you said, he was very caring and considerate." When Penny smiled, her face kind of squinted up. ...

"When Lana smiles, her nose kind of crinkles up. It's kind of sexy," Clark said quietly.

"Yeah," Howard said.

"Dude," Raj said. "What about Bernadette?"

"I can dream, can't I?"

"No. That's my thing." .

Briefly, Raj slipped off into a daydream where he was doing a Bollywood dance number with Bernadette, Penny and Lana.

Some of the lyrics went like this:

"Like a wild elephant, I'm trumpeting my love for you."

Softly, Raj sang out loud. "You are my heart, my universe." When he smiled, he looked resplendent as the noonday sun. "I was always a fan of Lana and Bizarro. Or as I call them 'Lazarro.'" He turned a shade of serious as he addressed Penny. "Or in your case 'Pezzaro.'" He laughed. "That sounds like a Pez dispenser. 'Pezarro!'"

Penny laughed lightly. "The way I call Sheldon and his girlfriend Amy 'Shamy.'"

"She's not my girlfriend!"

O'Neill raised a finger. "I have a girlfriend. You'll meet her later. For now, I would just love to hear more interesting factoids, Sheldon."

Sheldon grinned. "That's the thing about factoids, Colonel O-Neill. They're interesting."

Leonard, Raj and Howard conferred in low murmurs.

"Colonel O-Neill wants to let Sheldon talk?" Raj asked with an incredulous look.

"The new improved Colonel O-Neill does," Howard said.

"Dude, that's not like him!"

"Yeah, what's up with that?" Leonard asked. "He's been that way since he got here. A week ago. Doesn't he have missions to go on?"

Raj held out open palms. "Wait. Chill, guys. We get to hang out with Colonel O-Neill. From S-G-One! Let's not ruin it."

"That's a little selfish, Raj," Leonard said.

For a moment, Sheldon moved his head back and forth in Data-like fashion. He was simply not used to Colonel O'Neill being so darn agreeable like this.

Of course, for Sheldon that hesitation did not last long. With his hands behind his back, he stepped forward.

"Well, Colonel O'Neill," he said cheerfully. "Since you're so big on interesting factoids, here's another one: Did you know that two-thousand-one was the year 'Smallville' first appeared on Earth Prime?"

Sheldon tilted his head slightly as he gave the colonel an inquisitive sideways glance, one eyebrow slightly up.

Clark, Lex, Chloe, and Tess mumbled in the background. "Cool." "Great." "Nice to know."

"That was a great year then, wasn't it?" O'Neill said.

Penny again flapped her arms like a bird, Lana imitating her. Off to the side, Clark just winced. Next to him, Chloe made her confused-annoyed "what-is-this?" face.

As the music from "2001" continued to play, the guys moved their arms to the music while shaking their bodies. Leonard held up his arms like he was holding a package and conducting an orchestra at the same time.

Next to him, Sheldon's lanky frame moved up and down to the drumbeats, much like the ballet movements of Colonel O'Neill next to him. While his two friends did ballet, Leonard simply lifted his arms toward the roof over and over again.

At the center of the motley group was MONTE. While MONTE did not move to the music, the guys had equipped the robot to make sharp staccato squeaking noises. Just like the Death Star floor robot that fled from Chewbacca in "Star Wars, Episode IV." While he squeaked, MONTE moved back and forth like a vacuum cleaner.

A hologram of NCIS' Leroy Jethro Gibbs appeared and briefly stomped on MONTE. Nearby were some groceries the hologram Penny had spilled earlier and just left there. When a small black and white kitten stopped to investigate the mess, Gibbs ordered the cat into a cage. Then he was gone, along with the cat and the groceries. .

Howard liked to insert silly things like that into the program. He had even taught Colonel O'Neill how to work with the programs.

Next to MONTE, Colonel O'Neill began doing the twist or something like it (even though the "2001" music was not suitable for such dancing.) Howard and Raj did moves from their roller skating nights and Wii dancing. But they also added moves straight out of the title sequence for "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." Which meant both had hair flying wildly.

Next to them, Clark danced in boxers. With his socks on. Howard quickly fixed the glitch in the program so Clark appeared in a red T-shirt and blue jeans once again.

Leonard's new moves combined the thumbs-up swaying of Marcia Brady with the frenetic herky-jerk moves of Elaine Benes. Raj did a Charlie Chaplin kind of dance while Howard did something like the animated Archie Andrews doing moves from "Flashdance" in a frantic clumsy manner.

Hologram-Chloe then began dancing Bollywood style, arms in a triangle over her head as she jerked her head side to side. Eyes wide, lips pursed. Howard quickly fixed that program glitch then resumed dancing. If what he was doing could be called dancing.

With a cocky smile, Howard stopped dancing and stood perfectly still, clutching his belt buckle.

"Grab a napkin, homey. You've just been served."

A hologram of Spock appeared next to him, arms crossed over his blue sweater. "'To be served' means to have another excel in the area of dance." He lifted an eyebrow just before he vanished.

Raj beamed. "I love the holodeck."

"Really?" Chloe said. "A Vulcan just popping in and out like that? But compared to some people, aliens would be a step up." She glanced at Clark who grinned in return.

Sheldon then held up the remote control for MONTE.

"What would be some appropriate words for this auspicious occasion?" Sheldon asked with a slightly daft grin.

O'Neill gave a slight nod. "I hear you, Sheldon. You're right as always. Word!"

He gave both a wink and thumbs up to the guys.

Leonard frowned as he leaned in toward Howard.

"'Word?' Colonel O-Neill says 'word?'"

"He does now apparently," Howard muttered..

"And since when does he agree with anything Sheldon says?" Raj asked with a puzzled look of his own.

"Maybe this is like when Colonel O-Neill was in that mine and had his identity altered. Along with the rest of the team." Howard wore a dreamy look. "Including Major Carter."

"Ah, Major Carter," Raj sighed with his own dreamy look.

Chloe also leaned in. "This is definitely weird," she said. "Maybe not Wall of Weird material. But definitely weird."

The Spock hologram appeared again, this time wearing the most intense analytical gaze.

"Colonel O-Neill is, I think, not himself."

"You think?" Chloe said.

"Indeed. I just said so." With a slight frown, Spock was gone.

"Sort of like when I had amnesia," Clark said.

"He seems fine to me," Lana said.

"Not me," Chloe said.

"Attention, everyone. As usual, Sheldon has a good point," O'Neill announced boldly as he held one finger up. .

"See? Right there."

"Yeah, okay. You're right, Chloe," Penny said.

The colonel stepped between Chloe and Penny. "Now would be a good time for a few fitting words."

In the pause that followed, the guys and the holograms all stood with their heads bowed and hands clutched over each stomach, almost as if in prayer. Though Leonard looked slightly constipated.

In contrast, O'Neill had his chin up slightly as his dark eyes darted back and forth.

Finally, the colonel cleared his throat and spoke.

"Nothing comes to mind," he concluded cheerfully.

"Let's do this!" Howard shouted.

"Die, android, die!" O'Neill shouted. Then he waved his hand at Howard. "Just promise me, Howard, that when we're done, you won't rip your shirt off the way you did at the Physics Bowl."

"How about this?" Leonard said, chin lifted slightly. "We'll have an awards ceremony like they did at the end of 'Star Wars: Episode Four.'"

"Hey, I like that scene." A thumbs up from Clark.

"Never seen 'Star Wars,'" O'Neill said. "You know me and science fiction."

As Howard wore a confused even slightly hurt look, the robot surged forward. Its target, the android, had its back to the group. For now, all the others could see was curly dark hair. Howard had given MONTE an extendable neck with circular saw blade. Thus, the robot was able to reach up and cut through the neck of the android.

The head of Leslie Winkle lay on the floor:

"Dude!" Raj cried, almost in tears. He was kind of drunk, you see. Without alcohol, he couldn't talk to women. Not even holographic women.

As sparks flew from its neck and smoke poured out and dissipated, leaving an acrid mist, dark eyes blinked under slightly crooked dark-rimmed glasses.

"What is wrong with you guys?" Lana demanded.

"Not cool, guys," Clark said.

"I don't know, Clark," Lex said. "Sometimes to make advancements we have to cross moral boundaries."

Clark gave him a look. "By chopping off the head of an android?"

"I'm with Clark on this one," Penny said.

The Leslie head turned. And it spoke.

"Shift in the relationship paradigm," it said. "Call me...call me...call me..."

"HA!" O'Neill said triumphantly, raising two fists. It was like the time he recently machine-gunned a hologram Darth Vader. "Take that, Leslie Winkle android!"

"Hey," Leonard groaned-protested. "I used to go out with her."

"Me, too," Howard said.

"I never liked her," Sheldon murmured quietly, head slightly bowed, shoulders hunched. "Still, this does seem a tad violent."

"You think?" Clark said.

"Sheldon's got a point. And you, too, Clark," Raj said with his very serious look. "First, it's an android then it's a real person. We should have destroyed a toaster. Or a door."

"Or have it chase Penny," Lex suggested.

"Hey!" Penny objected. She hit Lex on his purple shirt.

"He's kidding," Tess said drolly.

With a disapproving look, Raj shook his head. "Not cool, guys."

"We could have it chase Lana and Chloe instead," Lex said coolly. "Or maybe even Victor and A-C from down on the second floor."

"So not cool," Raj said.

O'Neill raised an index finger. "Right you are, Raj. Word!"

Raj made a face. "He said it again."

"This is a little violent." Then O'Neill laughed. It was a little like Raj's evil laugh that said, "Yes, you are a strong smart competitor but we are also strong and smart and have a reasonable chance of defeating you."

Howard said that laugh sounded more like a tall thin woman who wanted to make a coat out of dalmations.

"First it's a toaster then it's an android then it's a real person," Sheldon said.

"You're right, Sheldon," Lex said. "The journey to darkness isn't a light switch. It's more gradual than that.."

Folding his arms, Sheldon gave Lex a look. "Really, Lex?"

O'Neill looked down at the Leslie-android head. "She was never my favorite character. Still..." A finger went up. "Hey! Can we make one of Anubis? It doesn't matter if we destroy him." The others murmured appreciatively but fell silent when O'Neill continued the evil laugh.

"Uh, Jack, what's going on?"

Daniel Jackson stood in the holodeck entrance with Major Samantha Carter and Teal'c.

"Oh, hey, Danny boy," O'Neill said. "I'm just, you know, hanging out with the guys. My buds. My peeps."

While a solemn-faced Teal'c lifted an eyebrow, Daniel made his narrow-intense-eyes face.

"I'm sorry, did you just say 'peeps?'"

Howard whispered to Raj and Leonard. "Yeah, since when does Colonel O-Neill use urban slang?"

"You're right," Clark said.

"True dat," Leonard said.

"Word," from Raj. "See? Now I'm doing it."

Looking a new shade of grim, Teal'c made his solemn pronouncement. "It would appear that Colonel O-Neill is under some form of mind control."

"Probably from the Joker," Chloe said.

"Or someone else," Carter said.

"Brainiac maybe?" Chloe asked.

"Not Urgo, I hope," Daniel muttered. "Wait. If it was Urgo, we'd all be...never mind."

Sheldon and Howard looked clearly uncomfortable as O'Neill put his arms around them and grinned as he drew them in close.

"How long do you intend to paw my shoulder?" Sheldon asked.

"Relax, buddy."

"No, really, Colonel O-Neill, you can let me go now."

"Word, Sheldon!"

"'Word?'" from Daniel.

A hologram of Amy Farrah Fowler appeared. "Speaking of urban slang," she said with a smile. "We be out droppin' science, son!" When she quickly vanished, Sheldon moved his head back and forth in slight Data-like confusion. Daniel just wore his confused-concerned look.

"Yep, that's what I'm doing," O'Neill said in a contented-sigh-voice. "Just hangin' and chillin' with my buds, my peeps. And we're droppin' science. Son. Daniel-Son" O'Neill's smile was broad. Some might even say manic.

"I see that," Daniel said with more of his confused-concerned look and corresponding tone of voice.

"The question is: why? Sir." Carter also looked concerned. Or more like stunned. "Why would you hang out with these guys?"

"Hey!" the guys objected.

"You saying we're not cool enough to hang out with Colonel O-Neill?" Raj asked with a deeply annoyed look.

Daniel held up an open palm. "Easy, guys. I'm sure Sam didn't mean anything like that."

"No way, guys. You are cool," O'Neill assured them.

"And like Colonel O-Neill, you are vital to our mission," Teal'c said.

"Thanks, Teal'c," Howard said. "And may I say you are extremely large. Larger than ever, buddy!"

"You have commented on my size many times, Howard Wolowitz."

"That's because you're HUGE, buddy! A moon could orbit around you."

"I find that most unlikely."

"Yeah, dude. Not possible."

Now the Clark hologram spoke. "I agree with Teal'c. You guys are important to the mission. We need you guys."

"Thanks, Clark. Always a friend to the underdog." Again, Raj smiled appreciatively.

"It's true," Leonard said. "Clark befriended Kyle Tippett and Jordan Cross."

"Among others," Chloe said.

"And now us!" Raj said gleefully.

"I'm still the social glue that holds our little group together.," Sheldon insisted. "Even with Clark. Isn't that right, Clark?"

Clark smiled. "It's true, buddy."

Howard approached Major Carter and spoke another language.

"What?" Carter said.

"Howard just spoke Russian," Daniel muttered. "Told you how beautiful you are. Guys, can we focus here?" he pleaded.

Ignoring Howard, Carter turned to the other guys. "I wasn't trying to put you guys down."

"Let me make this very simple. For everyone." O'Neill casually strolled across the apartment to stand next to Sheldon. "I'm in love."

Daniel blinked in amazement. "With Sheldon?"

"No. Not with Sheldon. Although you are very cool, buddy."

"Thank you, colonel."

O'Neill raised his index finger again. "But here's some good news: Sheldon and I have signed a Roommate Agreement."

"Here's an old outdated Roommate Agreement. From when I thought Leonard was going out with Penny again.." Sheldon threw the documents in the air. One paper landed on and stuck to his right ear.

Sheldon turned to Leonard and glared at him, arms crossed.

"But now there's a new Roommate Agreement," O'Neill said, gesturing back and forth. "Between Sheldon and me."

"Okay," Daniel muttered.

"It's true, though," O'Neill said. "And part of the deal is if Sheldon becomes a zombie, I can't kill him."

A grinning Sheldon bounced his head up and down. "And yet I can make end-of-life decisions for Colonel O-Neill. I have power of attorney."

"And in return I also get to pull the plug on Sheldon."

"Jack-"

"Uh-uh! Not done." The finger was up again. "Plus if I have a snake put in me, Sheldon and the guys will help get it out."

"We're there for you, buddy, twenty-four-seven," Howard said solemnly.

"Yes, we'll help get that Goa'uld out of you. We've got your back, dude. Colonel dude."

"That sounds like you guys. Always there to help."

"Thanks, Clark. And know that we'd help get you away from kryptonite, too."

"Thanks, Raj."

"Sir, you are most likely under mind control." Carter sounded slightly impatient.

"Most likely, Sam? Definitely, I'd say," Daniel said.

"I'm not seein' it," O'Neill said.

"Well, even if he is, what does that matter?" Sheldon asked. "Having Colonel O-Neill as my friend makes me happy. And isn't that all that matters? My happiness?"

Crossing his arms, Daniel gave Sheldon a look. "Not everything is about you, Sheldon."

Penny whispered to Lana. "I've told him that, too, Lana."

With a wry grin, Lana shook her head. "Sheldon just doesn't get sarcasm, Penny."

"Daniel's right, buddy," Clark said. "Not everything is about you."

Sheldon responded with a blank look. "I don't follow."

While wearing his usual grim serious look, Teal'c spoke in a measured even tone. "There are much larger matters at stake here than your own comfort, Sheldon Cooper."

More of the blank look from Sheldon. "Still not following."

Leonard spoke with the usual restrained impatience he employed with his friend. "It means that to do his job and save us from the System Lords-"

"Not to mention the Joker," Raj said.

"-Colonel O-Neill has to _not_ be under mind control."

"He has to be free," Chloe said. "But how do we do that?"

O'Neill cleared his throat. "Me. Here. Talking. I'd like to introduce you to someone. The new love of my life." He raised a finger. "Not Sheldon."

A new hologram appeared, a female in a uniform. All present gaped and gasped.

Colonel O'Neill beamed proudly but Howard made a face.

"Sheriff Adams?" Howard said. "Are you kidding me?"

"I am not kidding you, Howard," O'Neill said.

"Howdy-do," Adams said with a wave of her fingers. Smallville's strict sheriff had sharp witch-like eyes that looked evil even when she grinned.

"Oh, boy. This just gets better and better," Daniel muttered.

O'Neill raised his eyebrows in an inquiring fashion. "Do you have a problem with Sheriff Adams, Daniel?"

Looking more concerned and perplexed than before, Daniel held up an index finger.

"First of all, that's a hologrm. And second..."

Holograms appeared of Barry Kripke, obnoxious associate to Sheldon, and Vice President Kinsey, obnoxious associate to and thorn in the side of Colonel O'Neill. Next to them was Principal Kwan, Smallville High's stern principal. With his arms folded over his suit, Kwan wore his usual cross grim sour look.

"Shewiff Adams? Weally?" Kripke said.

Kinsey wore his usual arrogant look as he adjusted his suit. "This is completely unacceptable, Colonel O-Neill."

"Stuff it, Kinsey," O'Neill said.

"The colonel's wight. Stuff it, Kinsey."

"I don't need your help, Kripke," O'Neill said.

"You all have detention," Principal Kwan announced.

"Stuff it, Kwan."

"Nice going, colonel," Chloe said with a grin. "Someone's finally telling off Principal Kwan."

"Barry Kripke doesn't like monkeys," Sheldon murmured. "Who doesn't like monkeys?"

"Word, Sheldon." O'Neill turned to hologram-Clark-and-Chloe. "Isn't that what the kids at Smallville High say?"

"No," Chloe said.

"Never," from Clark.

"Not in a long time," Lana said. "But I do like monkeys."

O'Neill waved his hand. "Of course you do, Lana. I mean, come on, even Tess over here likes monkeys."

"I do," Tess said.

"Even Darth Vader likes monkeys."

Tess blinked. "Are you likening me to Darth Vader?"

O'Neill shrugged. "I hate to resort to cliches. But if the shoe fits..."

Tess gave O'Neill a look. Kinsey stepped in front of her. Kripke and Kwan flanked him like Secret Service Agents. In fact, they both wore dark suits and shades.

"Colonel O-Neill, this is an outrage."

"Yes, an outwage."

"All of you to detention. Now!"

"Holodeck! Kinsey, Kripke and Kwan. Off!" As O'Neill made a slashing gesture over his throat, all three holograms disappeared.

"I'm with Bawwy. I mean Barry," Howard said. "Two things, Colonel O-Neill. First, are you kidding me? And second, seriously, are you freakin' kidding me?"

"Again, I am not kidding you, Howard," O'Neill said solemnly as he held Adams closer.

Adams' smile spread, which Raj thought was kind of creepy.

"Isn't it a lovely day?" Adams sighed.

"On second thought, let's not discourage him," Howard decided. "Maybe Colonel O-Neill can mellow her out." Howard once again leaned in toward Lana and Chloe, who leaned back slightly.

"It's a hologram," Leonard said pointedly.

"Yeah, dude, all you have to do is reprogram it."

"Yeah, on that subject," Daniel said. "Someone has obviously reprogrammed Jack."

"Indeed," from Teal'c.

That's when it happened.

They burst in.

Through the holodeck walls.

Two Terminators and a bunch of Replicators.

O'Neill reached for his phaser but Daniel grabbed his hand.

"Jack, no!"

"Daniel! What are you doing?"

As the two wrestled, the others fired their phasers.

Both Terminators had glowing green chests while they fired red rays from their eyes.

"Each of the Terminators is like Metallo," Raj said.

"And they've got red sun lasers," Sheldon said, consulting his tricorder.

"My readings confirm that," Carter said.

"And Clark loses his powers under a red sun," Daniel grunted as he wrestled with O'Neill.

"So even if the real Clark was here, he wouldn't be much help," Leonard said as he fired his phaser.

The hologram figures—Clark, Chloe, Penny, Lana, Tess, Lex, Leslie Winkle and Sheriff Adams—all gone.

"We're on our own," Sheldon said.

"We could get them back," Raj said.

"Kind of busy, Raj," Leonard said.

O'Neill was in a neckhold. "Daniel, what are you doing?

"Jack, don't you see? You're under mind control."

"Oh, yeah?" O'Neill said as the phaser fell from his hand and clattered near MONTE. "Maybe you're the one under mind control. You ever think of that?"

"Unlikely, sir," Carter said.

"If I were," Daniel grunted, "I think I'd be a lot happier than this." Daniel thought of the mental illusion he had been thrown into where he was in love with Penny. That was very nice. Even if Sha're was his true love.

"We will explain later, O-Neill," Teal'c said as he fired his staff weapon.

Replicators twirled around on the floor.

In the chaos, no one noticed when the hologram MONTE disappeared.

Leonard grinned. "This is so cool! Firing a phaser, I mean. Not all the Replicators. Oh, look! There goes another one!"

"Replicator on my back! Replicator on my back!"

"Got it, dude."

"Replicators on my feet! Replicators on my feet!"

Sheldon gave the ceiling a sharp look. "Holodeck! Program Wormhole!"

As the scenery around them transformed from the apartment to the Gate Room of Stargate Command, Leonard gave Sheldon a look.

Firing his phaser, Sheldon bounced one fist at his side.

"Well, I couldn't let them destroy our apartment."

"It's not our apartment. It's a hologram!" Leonard groaned/shouted.

"He's crazy," Raj said.

"I am not. My mother had me tested."

"It's not that crazy," Howard said. "Each time the holodeck changes, it freezes the Replicators and the Terminators. Throws off their internal sensors."

"Let's change it as often as we can," Leonard said.

"It's pretty shorted out," Howard observed. "And there aren't that many programs."

"Do what you can, Howard. We'll cover you." Leonard continued to fire his phaser.

"Oh! Look, how they've wrecked the program," Sheldon moaned.

"Bigger things, Sheldon," Daniel said. He still had a hand around O'Neill's neck.

Parts of the Gate Room had jagged amorphous holes crackling with electricity. Amidst all that, the Terminators began firing bullets.

Green bullets.

"Ah, no!" Leonard groaned. "Not kryptonite bullets."

"They could turn us all into meteor freaks," Raj said. "Especially since they're from the Joker."

"Changing the program again," Howard said. "It's the one where we have to, you know, go into the Stargate."

"Cool!" Leonard and Raj said simultaneously.

"Anything to get out of here," Sheldon murmured.

The Stargate activated, and they all ducked into it, Daniel and Teal'c struggling to drag O'Neill along with them as Carter fired her phaser.

"Nancy!" O'Neill shouted.,

"Jimmy Speckerman used to call me that," Leonard mumbled.

"I think Colonel O'Neill is referring to Sheriff Adams," Raj said. As they emerged from the Stargate, he looked around. "Where are we now?"

"The Kent farm," Leonard said.

"Or more accurately, a holodeck representation of the Kent farm," Sheldon said. "Without the delightful Martha and Jonathan Kent, unfortunately."

"That is unforunate." Raj smiled and sighed. "Martha Kent is so nice. And I love her cookies!"

"So do I," Sheldon said. "Not as good as Mee-Maw's cookies, of course. But still good."

Raj and Sheldon were able to talk like this because of a pause in the action.

The Terminators and the Replicators stood frozen.

Leonard thought there was a reason for this flaw in their programming. It was deliberate.

Probably just the Joker trying to keep us all in a state of suspense, Leonard thought. You know, get us even more stressed.

Like we aren't stressed enough.

But at least for now there's a break from all this chaos..

Inwardly, Leonard groaned. What do we do next?

"A Van McNulty specialty."

"That's what Colonel O'Neill calls kryptonite bullets," Leonard wrote later in his blog. "When we arrived at the Kent farm, a hologram of Clark appeared. A new one."

"The holodeck was damaged," Sheldon noted aloud as he read the blog entry. "Until Howard fixed it, it could only create one temporary new hologram of Clark. Not Lana or Lex or Tess or Chloe or Penny or Mister and Missus Kent."

"And Doctor Jackson was a little damaged, too," Leonard noted. "Read the next line, Sheldon.":

Sheldon leaned in. On the screen, the blog read:

"Clark, look out!" Doctor Jackson shouted as he pushed aside the Teen of Steel.

"Really, Leonard?" Sheldon said. One eyebrow was arched as he towered above his shorter friend.

The Clark hologram was also there reading the blog entry, along with a Chloe hologram.

"Yeah, Leonard. Couldn't you just say 'Daniel pushed Clark out of the way?'" Clark asked with his signature Clark wince.

"Clark is right," Chloe said. "Maybe I should have edited this."

"Oh, Leonard needs an editor all right," Sheldon sighed. "Even if you're only the editor of the 'Torch.'"

Chloe shot him a look but Sheldon, as usual, was oblivious.

Along with Chloe, Leonard made a face. "It was a hologram of Clark. I guess Doctor Jackson got confused. That happens when you go on a lot of space-time jumps."

"Or go through the Stargate a lot," Chloe said. "Maybe almost as bad as keeping your powers a secret for years, huh, Clark?"

"I guess," Clark said.

Leonard folded his arms. "Here's the thing: When Colonel O-Neill got the awful idea to shut the safety off in the holodeck, we got the idea to redirect power to create holograms of Clark, Chloe, and Lana."

"A super-powered Lana even," Chloe said.

"Anyone who could help," Leonard said. "And we made sure our hologram Clark wasn't vulnerable to kryptonite bullets."

"That's the advantage of a hologram Clark," Chloe agreed.

"Good thinking on my part," Sheldon said.

Another annoyed look from Leonard. "It was all of us, Sheldon."

"This sucks, dude," Raj said as the action resumed.

As phasers continued to fire, flipping over Replicators, Colonel O'Neill suddenly spoke in a shrill high-pitched voice.

"Holodeck...safety off!"

"Ah, no!" Leonard groaned.

And the colonel laughed, a shrieking piercing laugh.

("And did I mention Colonel O'Neill's face began to turn white while his hair turned green?" Leonard wrote later in his blog.)

("Exactly what is the point of this blog?" Sheldon asked. "When we return home, we'll forget all this. And any blog will be wiped out. It'a almost like when Colonel O-Neill made a tape recording while he was caught in that time loop. When he got to the next loop, there was nothing on the tape, of course.")

Daniel gritted his teeth as he clutched O'Neill's arms. "Holodeck, safety on!"

A chirp. "Access denied," a pleasant female voice intoned. "Presently accepting voice commands from Colonel O-Neill only."

In response, O'Neill simply grunted.

"A-a-a-a-aw!" Leonard groaned.

"He must have reprogrammed it earlier," Howard said. "With help from You-Know-Who."

"He really is under mind control,'" Raj said.

"Oh, my," Sheldon said. "We're doomed. Doomed!"

"Easy, Sheldon. But yes, this is not good," Daniel said as he pulled a growling snarling O'Neill inside the Kent barn.

The others also dashed for cover. Near a holodeck control panel.

"Guys, help me out here," Leonard said as he opened the panel.

"What are you trying to do?" Howard asked.

"Redirect the power so we can create some holograms that might actually help us."

"Major Carter and I will assist you, " Teal'c said as he fired his staff weapon..

"Let's see what we've got, guys," Carter said.

"Thanks, Major Carter," Leonard said. Howard spoke in Russian again. "Howard, stop."

"According to the readout, the programs are limited to Smallville and Stargate Command," Carter said.

"Drat!" Sheldon said.

"No big deal. We'll get Clark to help us and Chloe, Lana, the Blur. Whoever else," Leonard said.

"Good plan. But we better hurry," Raj said.

Cylon ships and Goa'uld gliders filled the air while the ground was occupied by Terminators and Replicators.

"And now a Tyrannosaurus," Rej groaned. "Oh, no!" Next to him, Sheldon yelp-screamed but he fired his phaser as efficiently as he would a paintball gun.

Nearby, Colonel O'Neill seemed to have calmed down.

"It was fun, guys," he said quietly as Daniel and Teal'c held him. "Paintball. Flying kites. Renaissance Fair. 'Halo' night. Robot fights." He grinned. "Hey, that rhymes."

With everyone else, the colonel turned to see the arrival of Clark, Lana, Chloe and the Blur. The Blur quickly took out the Tyrannosaurus with his strong right hook while the others fired phasers and took out the gliders and Cylon ships.

Several explosions and multiple super-battles later, the "Big Bang" guys and SG-1 emerged from their hiding places.

Staggering out of the barn, O'Neill looked around.

"What is this place? Someone want to tell me what's going on here?"

Daniel sighed. "Okay, Jack. Here we go again. You're part of a time travel team. You fix altered timelines created by the Joker."

"Wait...The...Wait, what? The Joker?" O'Neill drew his head back slightly.

"It's not often you see the colonel flabbergasted like that," Howard whispered to his friends.

"Look at the look on his face," Raj said. "It's almost like Lionel Luthor when he found Lex after the meteor shower."

Leonard shrugged. "Or more like Clark's usual look of confusion." Next to him, Clark winced.

'Got that right," Howard said.

Carter nodded. "Yes, sir. The Joker. I know it's hard to believe...well, Daniel will explain."

"Right," Daniel said, arms crossed over his Stargate Command jacket. "The Joker has been given power by the rogue Q. He can invade minds."

"As he did with yours," Teal'c said.

"He can create altered timelines, too, sir," Carter said.

"He even has the ability to alter the molecular structure of objects or beings," Teal'c said.

With his Very Serious Look, Raj nodded. "But in a way that goes beyond what Alicia Baker or Tina Greer can do. Or even Zatanna." He had a look on his face like he had just melted. "Ah, Zatanna. Wow."

"Let's try to stick to the main point, Raj." Daniel turned back to the colonel. "The thing is, Jack, we do have help on our side. We have the Q."

"Beings of great power from the Q continuum," Teal'c explained.

"And even though they don't normally get involved in the problems of human beings, they're the good guys," Leonard said.

"At least in this case," Chloe said.

"Yeah, that's the thing: you never know what the Q will do," Clark said. .

"The Q gave us technology patterned after 'Star Trek,'" Daniel explained. "Phasers from the time of Captain Kirk. A holodeck from the time of Captain Picard."

While he tilted his head, O'Neill turned the phaser in his hand and stared at it.

"Then there's what happened to your mind, sir," Carter said.

"The Joker had mental control of you, O-Neill," Teal'c said. "Had you committed acts of violence, you would have become more and more like the Joker."

"Green hair, white skin, hideous shrieking laugh. The whole deal," Howard said.

"That would have been cool to see." At the disapproving looks from the others, Raj bowed his head. "Only so not cool."

O'Neill gave a slight tilt of his head.

"Really? Might turn into the Joker, you say? Is that how things work now?"

"Yes, sir. Well, the Joker did once give you the head of Homer Simpson."

"Too much information maybe, Sam,." Daniel whispered.

"Now how can that be? There's no such thing as too much information."

"I agree with you there, Sheldon." A Lex hologram flickered then vanished.

Daniel nodded toward the guys. "These are the 'Big Bang" guys. They're from a T-V show called 'The Big Bang Theory.'"

More eyebrow action and head-back reaction from O'Neill. "Oh, really, Daniel? We're working with T-V characters now, are we?"

"And superheroes," Sheldon said.

"Yes. Again, too much information," Daniel said. "Anyway, the guys build the space-time tunnels we use. They help us go to any point in time we need to."

"Important points in time," Leonard said. "Like the death of Edith Keeler."

Daniel waved his hand. "Let's not confuse things, Leonard." He then turned back to O'Neill. "But the guys do help us, Jack."

"So we can go anywhere we need to go, sir," Carter said with a slight grin.

O'Neill thought for a moment then he held out an open palm to the red sunset visible from the loft. "The time-traveling S-G-One. Any time. Anywhere."

Daniel nodded. "Good, Jack. You're starting to remember. Here's something else that will help. Holodeck: Programs Clana and Shenny." Daniel looked slightly embarrassed as he said the names.

O'Neill found himself in a grassy meadow with horses. Clark and Lana sat under a tree near a couple of horses. Nearby, Sheldon handed Penny a flower.

"You could call it a penny blossom," Sheldon said quietly with a gentle grin.

Penny's smile was big. "Thanks, Moon Pie!"

O'Neill turned to Sheldon, the real one not the hologram. "Moon Pie?"

While real Sheldon looked embarrassed, hologram-Sheldon presented Lana with a flower. "Here's one for you, Lana."

"Thank you, Sheldon."

"Thanks, bud," Clark said.

Hologram scene gone. Back on the virtual Kent farm.

"Only Mee Maw calls me 'Moon Pie,'" Sheldon protested, arms folded over his Flash T-shirt. "Doctor Jackson, I'm not sure what that was you were showing there. But nothing like that would ever happen."

"But somewhere in one of the parallel universes it probably did," Leonard said with a grin, briefly lifting himself on his toes. "One of the Sheldons somewhere probably did that."

O'Neill simply looked confused. "What was that, Daniel? What did I just see?"

"Those were meant to be calming images," Daniel said. "It counteracts the Joker's mental influence. How do you feel, Jack?"

"Just like Lana after she was possessed by Isobel: 'Never been better'" the colonel said.

Daniel wore his confused-concerned look again. "Okay. Not sure how I feel about that reference."

"You should make a full recovery soon, sir," Carter said.

As the Kent farm once again gave way to the Gate Room, O'Neill wore a contented grin.

"That was nice," he sighed. "Clark and Lana. Horseback riding in the meadow. Now what? What else do I need to know?"

"Well," Daniel said. "We do work with Clark Kent. The real one. Not the hologram."

"Of course we do."

"But he's...away, sir," Carter said.

O'Neill's eyebrows shot uip. "Is he now?"

"Yes, sir."

"It is most troubling and unfortunate," Teal'c said.

"Yes, very sad," Raj said. "Clark is a good guy."

"We are in agreement, Rajesh Koothrappali."

"Word, Teal'c!"

"We've been borrowing Clarks from other worlds," Carter said.

"Of course we have," O'Neill said.

"Thanks to the guys," Daniel said. "Thanks, guys."

"Yeah. Thanks, guys," O'Neill said, saluting with two fingers to his cap.

"No problem," Leonard said. "Happy to help."

"Well, Jack," Daniel said. "How about it? Ready to go back?"

"Go back in time, you mean? Wasn't fighting the Goa'uld bad enough?"

"I know it's not easy," Leonard said.

"But you're the best, Colonel O'Neill," Raj said. "All of you are."

"You would know, Raj," O'Neill said.

"I'm still the best in my field."

"Well, that goes without saying there, Sheldon."

"It's true, though." Raj gave two thumbs up. "You're the best, Colonel O-Neill!"

"Of course I am, Raj."

Howard leaned in toward Raj. "Wow. Colonel O-Neill and Sheldon are kind of alike in some ways. Both full of themselves."

"What's that, Wolowitz?"

Howard quickly stood up straight. "Nothing, colonel. Sir. Bon voyage."

"Seriously," Leonard said. "Raj is right. You're the best, Colonel O-Neill."

"We all think so," Howard said. "Especially me."

"Thanks, guys," O'Neill said. "Stay in touch. Just not, you know, when I'm in the middle of a firefight with a Terminator. Or a killer robot Abraham Lincoln. Or whatever else the Joker sends. But you can have cake with me afterwards."

"So," Carter said. "What do you think, sir? Ready to resume duty?"

"Indeed. Are you ready to join us, O-Neill?" Teal'c asked. "So we may once again restore altered timelines."

O'Neill lifted an index finger. "Right! Will do, Teal'c. Right after we fix the holodeck and have a little more fun here." He turned to his friends. "The guys taught me that."

The guys quickly repaired the holodeck, and everyone had a relaxing time there.

And for a while, everything was fine.

Until SG-1 began singing "Soft Kitty" in rounds.

"Uh oh," Raj said. "Looks like they're all under mind control now."

A slight frown from Leonard. "You think it's the Joker or Urgo?"

"Or maybe a version of Urgo sent by the Joker," Sheldon said.

Raj made a face. "No, if it was Urgo, they'd all be singing 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat.'"

"Maybe Urgo decided he liked 'Soft Kitty' better," Sheldon said. "It is a good song."

"Okay, S-G-One," Howard said. "Look at the calming relaxing scenes of Clark and Lana." Standing at the center of the holodeck, he used a remote control that looked like a magic wand. "Here's Clark and Lana talking in a cemetary. Now here they are talking in Clark's loft. And here they are at a drive-in. Well, an improvised drive-in. Clark's birthday gift to Lana."

"I like the red pickup," Raj said. "And Bugs Bunny."

Howard went on showing scenes, including one of Clark and Lana sitting on a windmill and another of the two slow dancing at prom. Eventually, the members of SG-1 stopped singing and rubbed their eyes as if recovering from a deep sleep.

After SG-1 had a few minutes to groan and sigh, the guys explained the situation to them.

Then Sheldon grinned as he addressed the largest member of SG-1.

"That reminds me. Thank you for that earlier time when you sang 'Soft Kitty' to me, Teal'c."

"I am unaware of such a moment, Sheldon Cooper. If I was under mind control at that time, I would have no memory of it."

"That's too bad, Teal'c," Raj said. "It was a beautiful moment."

"Yeah, really nice," Penny said. "Almost like the time Sheldon hugged me."

Teal'c bowed. "I am happy to assist you in any way I can, Sheldon Cooper."

"What Teal'c said," Daniel said. "We're there for you, guys. All of you. Because you're there for us."

"Hold on, guys. I just downloaded that moment with Teal'c and Sheldon from the holodeck routines." Smiling, Raj waved the magic wand remote control. "And here it is."

Teal'c and Penny stood next to a robot wearing a Green Lantern T-shirt and a TV screen for a head. Sheldon's face peered out from the screen.

"I will now sing 'Soft Kitty' to you, Sheldon Cooper," Teal'c announced solemnly.

"We both will," Penny said.

The real Sheldon was lying on a bed in his room. He was only able to experience Teal'c and Penny through the T-shirt-wearing virtual presence device.

The singing began.

When Teal'c sang, it was like a muted Captain Picard combined with Barry White:

"Soft kitty, warm kitty,

Little ball of fur.

Happy kitty, sleepy kitty.

Purr, purr, purr."

When he heard this, Sheldon Cooper was very happy. And he was also being quiet. So it was a lot like seeing a unicorn and Bigfoot at the same time.


End file.
